attachment styles & the city
And I couldn’t help but wonder … why are some people so scared to be abandoned, while others are terrified of being needed? You catch my drift here? Since I’ve already taken you guys on 4 dates now, the 5th is for breaking the ice. Sort of. Today, we are going a meter below the surface and talking emotions. Taking a very different direction (a literal full 360, but I did warn you all of this) than last week and tuning into my future psychologist side, here’s an interesting concept I researched for a presentation this year that I hope whoever is reading finds interest in as well, while also tying some Sex & the City in here to keep it light and less scientific. It is also such an accurate and great comparison for what we will be talking about. Let’s roll.
Quick backstory. Earlier this year, I had a class called Motivation & Emotion, which was simply the most interesting course I have ever taken in my undergrad. My professor was amazing, everything he said was somehow poetic and he is unaware of just how much he has impacted my life with his inspirational nature (I am taking a class I have no interest in just because I know he will make it interesting). Anyways, we were required to create a presentation based on an article we found and me and my classmate chose one surrounding childhood trauma’s impact on attachment styles and sexual relations. A bit of a mouthful, but it was interesting to say the least. This sent me down a rabbit hole on attachment styles, which is the main focus here. Let’s begin with some learning and then venture into the fun stuff.
Attachment styles are responses to relationships, whether romantic, familial, or friendly, that describe how people connect and behave in relationships. They do not necessarily mean how you attach to someone - although they are, unfortunately, attached to you - they are just psychological models with archetypes that people will fall into. The four styles being secure, avoidant, anxious, and fearful-avoidant. Disorganized is another term that has commonly been mentioned, but is the exact same concept as fearful-avoidant. They are just trying to confuse us at this point. These styles are essentially rooted in early interactions as a child with primary caregivers, shaping how your adult self deals with conflicts, trust, intimacy and emotions in all manner of relationships. How can infant interactions determine this? A caregiver’s response to both physical and emotional needs impacts this directly. Also, nature versus nurture, anyone majoring in psychology or a program focused on childcare has had this quote shoved down your throat.
Nature being your genetics and biological makeup, however, it does not play a role as big as nurture but can affect your brain and way of thinking, as well as your interactions with the caregiving environment. We are born with many genetic predispositions and biological traits which can affect how one handles emotions, such as dopamine and serotonin levels especially. Temperament is also seemingly inherited (can attest to this), impacting how babies respond to comfort - they can be calm, sensitive, or stressed, etc. But as I said, the role is not as big as nurture.
Nurture being the environment you grew up in, your learned behaviours, the responsiveness of your caregiver, and early trauma. If you had little to no trauma, warm and loving caregivers who were well with handling emotions and conflict, you are more likely to fit a secure attachment style, although it is more than possible to fall into one of the other three archetypes. However, if you grew up in a dysfunctional environment, like so many of us, or one that is abusive, neglectful, and unstable, you are more likely to have an avoidant, anxious or fearful-avoidant attachment style. Keep in mind though that caregiver relationships are not the sole predictor of your attachment style, it is just heavily implied that they can impact them. It is mostly based off how YOU handle your emotions.
Taken from my own essay, here is a definition of the four attachment styles: Attachment anxiety is characterized by a fear of rejection, causing one to be extremely sensitive, possess high levels of clinginess, crave constant reassurance, and experience low self-esteem. This causes one to have the idea that love is inconsistent, unstable, and that you have to constantly monitor relationships to make sure everything is okay. One hold’s unconscious beliefs that everyone will leave you, causing extremely clingy behaviours to avoid so. People with this style may have grew up with caregivers who were sometimes warm and attentive and then completely flipped the switch and were cold and distant. On the contrary, attachment avoidance is feeling discomfort with closeness to their partner, causing one to be very independent, emotionally distance themselves, have a fear of intimacy, and difficulties with trust. People with this are heavily independent and self-reliant, due to previous experiences of disappointment when relying on those around them. This causes one to shut down relationships, withdraw themselves, and pick fights when things get serious. This can be due to a caregiver who was emotionally absent or unpredictable rather than providing consistent comfort. These two styles in a relationship = a nightmare. Carrie and Mr. Big are a perfect example.
Fearful avoidant attachment involves craving closeness while fearing rejection, leading to a push-pull, hot and cold dynamic in relationships. It is a conflict in your brain between deeply craving intimacy but also fearing it. Going from depending on your partner heavily to suddenly pushing them away. This stems from early experiences of a caregiver providing warmth and safety, while also being a source of fear and chaos. A secure attachment style is characterized by trust, emotional availability and being comfortable with intimacy. People with this style can balance their independence and autonomy with close connections, can easily communicate their feelings, and have the ability to manage stress in healthy ways. If you have a secure attachment, then congratulations! You are normal and probably judging the hell out of the rest of us right now.
All jokes aside, having one of these 3 attachment styles does NOT make you any less normal, just human. To be human is to be complex, so never feel ashamed if you feel emotions on a more complex level. Especially when it comes to relationships. Relationships are so incredibly complex AND confusing - they are like a mille feuille cake, a thousand layers filled with emotions, behaviours, experiences, expectations, and so much more in between. For example, you can love someone so much but dislike who they are as a person or you can love someone so deeply but never be able to properly show it, although there are so many other dynamics to go about this, these two are just the first to come in mind. Relationships will always be the most confusing dynamics in our lives as it is incredibly hard to understand why some people behave the way they do and even your own emotions and feelings towards it. Emotions itself are so complex and confusing and what are relationships full of? Emotions. So there’s that. Even your behaviour amongst different people in your life will differ. You may be clingy in friendships, dismissive in romantic relationships, but completely lovey dovey in family relationships. It’s confusing, but most of us can recognize ourselves in these patterns.
Learning about my own attachment style was very insightful into why I am the way I am in certain relationships. It helped me to realize that some of my behaviours are simply just responses to past experiences and that there are ways to deal with your feelings and actions without feeling like you are a horrible friend/partner/child. It also felt like finding a good word bank to fill in all the blanks. So much research has been poured into this topic and how you can find ways to deal with these complexities. Learning of your attachment style can be the key you needed to unlock a door to self-understanding. I encourage everyone to take a short test and look into your own attachment style because it definitely provides some mental clarity :)
Now, if you are having a bit of trouble understanding the different styles, I believe Sex & the City to be a strong and accurate portrayal of the different attachment styles. And if you haven’t watched Sex and the City, well sorry. Now you will understand the characters on a deeper level for when you do watch! Starting off with my favourite (the crowd can’t relate), we have Carrie who is very obviously an anxious attachment, due to her constant hyperfocusing to the highs and lows of her relationships, her craving of reassurance, and her fear of abandonment, reaching for Mr. Big everytime he pulls away. Next, we have Miranda who is very much a fearful avoidant, with major push and pulling tendencies and sabotaging relationships when they get too close, as well as an over emphasis on independence. How her busy job always becomes an excuse every time a guy gets too close. Mr. Big is definitely an avoidant, no questions asked there. He emotionally distances himself, avoids vulnerability and closeness, retreating from Carrie many times throughout the series when she gets too close and vulnerable. I hate him. Anywho, Charlotte is of course secure. She knows what she wants and needs and does not settle for anything less than that. She can clearly display her affections and needs, while being able to walk away from anything that is less than that. And Samantha, is …. Samantha. Although I’d say avoidant for sure. She has no interest in romance, just sexual endeavours and I personally think it’s to protect herself, although that may be obvious lol. Upon searching it up, I had no idea that the core 4 were all based off a different attachment style. Each character has different coping mechanisms and different relationship fears, with each one embodying a different style in response to love and dating. Super interesting to discover that about my favourite show as a psyc student.
I am sure many of you have seen the Carrie Bradshaw horror movie compilations on Tik Tok. While it is super funny and I feel cringe sweat building on my body EVERYTIME, the context of these scenes are actually very relevant to this entire blog post. Let’s start with “Get it while it’s hot!” Just for her to find out Big was moving to Napa. Perfect example of attachment anxiety and avoidance in a relationship! Him not even thinking to tell her he was moving across the country until she found out ONLY when she came over to see that his house was packed up. Now that’s a horror movie. Or “Bonjour! Voila la French hat! Voila la French fry!” Perfect example again. Another scenario of him moving across the world and not factoring her in his decision, and then him saying “well don’t be moving for me”. When she reacts emotionally (by throwing the bag full of McDonalds at the wall and TV), he refracts from her and the relationship to avoid dealing with the emotions. Her willing to move across the world for him, him rejecting the closeness. Or when she showed up at church to stalk him and his mom after he said he didn’t want her to meet “another girlfriend” and then she dropped the bible, exposing her creeper ways. God, this one hurts, but all the less, a clingy behaviour, wanting and trying to find reassurance in meeting his mother. We will stop there, but these are just SOME moments of the push-pull dynamic of an anxious and avoidant attachment relationship, accurately portrayed by HBO. There are unfortunately many, many more but those 3 unfortunately never slip my mind. Now, it’s time for the goodbyes, finishing with a very Carrie line.
And I couldn't help but wonder: if relationships really are made up of a thousand layers, is understanding our attachment style the key to finally understanding which ones we're bringing to the table? Yes, yes, yes! As I said, learning of my attachment style was super enlightening for me and honestly, solved years upon years of questioning and berating in my brain. It gave me some answers and insight into what I need and how I can live with it, so hopefully maybe this is an answer that someone needed as well.
Hopefully all of this made sense for you guys. I know with a lot of the psychological scientific talk it can get a bit confusing but I have a really good gift of making smart things sound dumb and confusing so crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. It has been super interesting to research this again and dig back into my year round job, along with connecting my favourite show to these archetypes has been so so so fun and its always a joy to bring my favourite things together. Below, I will link a short test to find your attachment style for those interested. Thank you for reading and see you soon!
xoxo, madeleine
